Isle of Wight News - Arson suspected in chippy fire

Funny story written by IainB

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

image for Isle of Wight News - Arson suspected in chippy fire
Chips from Cowes Chippy, the closest to the IOWN offices

Hopeless Street chip-shop in Ventnor is the centre of a police investigation after a fire broke out there at 10:30pm Monday morning.

Regular Isle of Wight News readers, and even some of those with constipation, will recall our recent survey to find the island's be'st chippie's. Hopeless Street chippy was in the final three. Police suspect that the owners of either Ventnor Tandoori and Traditional English Chips And Curry or The Plaice in Newport may be responsible in an effort to reduce the competition, and will be keeping a close eye on both establishments.

"The arsonist was very cunning," said Chief Inspector Phil Inns. "The fire started just after closing time on Monday and has been made to look like a chip fat fire. This leads us to believe that the perpetrator knows his, or her, way around a deep fat fryer. We've had plenty of offers to keep an eye on the other two establishments in the running."

Owner of The Plaice, Osama Not Laden, 31 and native of Ryde, has proclaimed his innocence. "I'm innocent," he proclaimed. "The Plaice is open until 11am on Monday evenings, so I can't possibly have been in two plaices at once. Can I?"

Ventnor Tandoori and Traditional English Chips And Curry owner, Frank Rashid 57, of the Ventnor Rashids, points the finger squarely at Not Laden. "He's a shifty one that Not Laden." Rashid said. "He's got shifty eyes that are too far apart and too close together at the same time. That's not natural, that."

However, Rashid cannot account for his whereabouts in 1975, making him the police's prime suspect in a number of unsolved crimes.

Hopeless Street Chippy owner Fakhra McWilliams, 49, is planning on re-opening the chippy on Hopeless Street with a major refurb from most the insurance money, and maybe taking a small holiday to Tahiti with the rest.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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