London - (Dependency Culture Mess): A new royal tariff is being published today amid reports the Queen is to start charging for official ribbon-cutting ceremonies.
The announcement comes amid government austerity proposals to cut 25% off royal benefit handouts.
The new commercial rates are on a sliding scale from £1 to £5 million - roughly in line with celeb booking fees for Kylie, Cheryl and Madonner Kebab.
A Buckingham Palace press release said the move is necessary because of a massive great big black hole in royal finances following collapse of previously lucrative cocaine dealing contracts.
First to hand over the wedge of readies may be the Canard Shipping Company whose HMS Eponymous was to be launched in Southampton by the Queen today.
"Five million quid to splice the mainbrace? Money for old rope, eh?" a shipping PR source chuckled.
The Lusitania sank in 1915.