Written by queen mudder

Monday, 11 October 2010

image for Queen's massage artiste says 'naked' celebrities ran amok the QE2
Bunty Kneadman's 50 year career onboard the QU2 sauna saw all kinds of celebs pass under his talented hands

Southampton - (Bare Cheek Mess): "Naked as the day they were born," retired nonagerian massage artiste Bunty Kneadman said today, "and running starkers all over the poop deck!"

The ship's former osteopath/naturopath/psychopath was speaking today ahead of Canard Shipping Lines' launch of the third MS Queen Elizabeth.

The new ship has a full on-board complement of 60 masseurs and masseuses trained the subtle arts of manipulation - so Kneadman won't be joining the 1,000-strong crew.

"Frankly at my age I'm a bit past it," the 97 year-old added, "and my glasses tend to mist over pretty quickly.

"Besides, they only give you a toweling loincloth for working in those hot, wet and steamy turkish bathrooms.

"Not much use if you're fighting off a 25 stone oligarch's rapacious appetites!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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