Southampton - (Bare Cheek Mess): "Naked as the day they were born," retired nonagerian massage artiste Bunty Kneadman said today, "and running starkers all over the poop deck!"
The ship's former osteopath/naturopath/psychopath was speaking today ahead of Canard Shipping Lines' launch of the third MS Queen Elizabeth.
The new ship has a full on-board complement of 60 masseurs and masseuses trained the subtle arts of manipulation - so Kneadman won't be joining the 1,000-strong crew.
"Frankly at my age I'm a bit past it," the 97 year-old added, "and my glasses tend to mist over pretty quickly.
"Besides, they only give you a toweling loincloth for working in those hot, wet and steamy turkish bathrooms.
"Not much use if you're fighting off a 25 stone oligarch's rapacious appetites!"