NHS buys New Dyson Birthing Machine

Funny story written by Xavier

Friday, 8 October 2010

image for NHS buys New Dyson Birthing Machine
Cyclone technology ensures a smooth birth

The NHS has purchased 217 Dyson Birthing Machines for maternity units throughout England.

The birthing machine is described as a revolution for mothers experiencing a difficult birth. It incorporates Dyson's patented Root Cyclone technology and, with its 2763 watts of power it can suck a baby out of the womb in even the most difficult circumstances; and is said to be effective for 96% of breach births, cutting caesarean births by 84%.

All other attempts at such machines have failed and although the Bosch Birthing Pro gave good results some mothers didn't like the fact that the baby was sucked into a bag - the Dyson is, of course, a bagless birthing machine.

Next year Dyson hope to bring out the Dyson Birth and Pack; in which the placenta is sucked out after the baby and neatly wrapped in a plastic bag for disposal.

Other Dyson maternity kit includes the double action baby tumble washer which washes a new born baby clean within 3 minutes, powders its bum and wraps it in a warm nappy. These will be available later for under-shelf fitting in domestic kitchens so mothers can tumble their babies whilst cooking tea.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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