A senior government figure has provoked a storm of indignation from the population of Essex. His remarks were made at a luncheon hosted by a local Family Planning Association.
Culture Secretary Jeremy Blunt suggested the bleeding obvious, when he told his audience "Don't have kids unless you can pay for them. If you don't work, and live on benefits, we will give you condoms. Alternatively, we can offer unemployed women the chance to have their ovaries removed, free of charge, or for unemployed men to have 'the snip'.
Local residents responded by going out into the streets, torching cars and burning effigies of David Cameron. One resident, Barry Slobb, said "Cameron's missus has just dropped a sprog. The taxpayer pays his wages. The taxpayer pays my benefits. What is the problem?"
Immediately following these comments, the Daily Mail asked its readership to donate money to a (spermless) bank to help fund this new government initiative.
Professor Albert Inseminatorious, a renowned expert in social anthropology, warned against such a policy. He said "If the government pursues this type of social engineering, we will see vast tracts of south London, Essex, the midlands, the north west and north east of England where the human population will be in danger of extinction if no young are born".
Meanwhile, the Lithuanian squatters are rubbing their hands, shagging like rabbits and preparing to populate their next homeland.