Wayne Rooney Sleeps With Exotic Gibbon

Funny story written by Peter Stevenson

Friday, 24 September 2010


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Marie has refused to give interviews since the allegations

Further allegations in the seedy personal life of footballing fiend Wayne Rooney have come to light this week.

His marriage already hangs in the balance due to several infidelities with hotel-room prostitutes, but a shocking confession from a travelling circus animal handler will no doubt put the final nail in the nuptial coffin. Francois Bejean has been an animal trainer at the Cirque Du Merde for 15 years, and has seen incredible sights most people could only dream of: "In dis business you see fings that are how you say, amazing to witness. Once I saw a lion set on fire and catapulted at a cage full of rare ostrich. Tres bon, tres magnifique!"

However, nothing could prepare Francois for what he witnessed in August this year. On tour in Reading, a variety of celebrity guests attended the circus and several were treated to a back stage tour. One such VIP was Wayne Rooney, and Francois recalls his enthusiasm specifically: "His littul face was alight with appiness when he saw the acts, and I could see him stamping his feet and bashing is ands on is ed when the monkey act began. I fink he felt a certain connection to them - like they were his own kind" One particular act, called Gravity Gibbon sees Marie, an exotic ape, do an interpretive dance mid air with the help of a harness and bright pink tutu. Rooney apparently took such a shine to Marie that he insisted on private time with the performer.

Francois remembers the point he saw Rooney emerge from Marie's backstage area - in more ways that one. "He came out of er room about twenty minutes later, and I thought nothing of eet a first. Then I go in the room and she is smoking a cigarette in the corner! Wass worse, I saw a note from Rooney leaving his number and with a crude drawing in crayon of im and Marie in some sort of wedding chapel. He wrote "one day..." next to eet"

These shocking allegations are yet to be confirmed by Rooney himself, but one thing is clear: Wayne really needs to shape up his own act if he is to hold on to his reputation and wife Colleen.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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