A new Government department aimed at reducing the amount of single people in the country has today released a guideline of do's and dont's when out on a first date.
Mr S Shady, Minister for Demographics, said "Our department has been given the task of getting single people together. After all, single people are a terrible drain on the economy and the environment. They sit around in houses by themselves using electricity and space that could be used by two people. They also get a reduction in their council tax and it's getting to the stage where the Government believes it shouldn't have to subsidise people just because they can't get anyone to find them attractive. We have been given a target of reducing the single population by 10% by the end of the year. So we have two choices, we either get them out there dating or we have them killed. We prefer the dating method obviously. We're not completely heartless."
The proposed first date guidelines include the following tips:
Things never to say:
1. "Can you finish that drink quickly, my tag goes off if I'm not back in my flat by 10pm."
2. "Is that a wig?"
3. "Do you want to smell something really weird."
4. "Yes I'd love another glass of wine please - don't worry, I frequently drink and drive."
5. "I'm so sorry, I often fart when I'm nervous."
In response to these guidelines Ms R Finkely of the Society for Our right to Remain Single (SOReS) commented "This is blatant coupleism. Now that it's illegal to be racist, sexist or homophobic it's single people that are getting it in the neck. Have we gone back to the dark ages? These guidelines suggest that single people don't know how to socialise with the rest of society which is blatantly not true. I distinctly remember getting on very well with a man on a date in 2006, we spent a very pleasurable evening discussing my stamp collection. I would have happily dated him again but unfortunately the number he gave me didn't seem to be working."
More on this as we get it.