Balmoral Castle - (On-The-Rocks News): The Queen has received a subpoena to testify at the blood diamonds trial in The Hague.
Apparently a parure - a suite of jewellery comprising a tiara, necklace, earrings, bracelets, rings, brooch and belt clasp - of the bloody bling was found last week hidden under a Balmoral matress.
Palace lackeys said today the cache was there merely for safekeeping ahead of a private visit by StashConverters pornbrokers to distressed dynasties.
"Of course HM won't testify," the Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce-Cannon snarled today.
"Anyone claiming otherwise is pissing in the wind."
The news prompted a stinging riposte from the Prince Charles Taylor war crimes judiciary who parried today's Palace move by releasing a noted shrink's expert opinion.
"Queen Elizabeth is probably suffering from a condition called paruresis," the Royal Freak Hospital's Professor Einstein Flintstone commented this afternoon, "also known as psychogenic urinary retention.
"In simple laymen's terms this means a morbid fear of pissing in public."
Beefeaters at the Tower of London, meanwhile, have vehemently denied that the Crown Jewel House "is stuffed to the gills" with fake, cubic zirconia replicas following a grand fire sale to raise funds for the 2002 Golden Jubilee.
Camilla Fucker-Bowles may now have to go bankrupt.