The phantom '1* bandit' sits in his squalid bedsit. There is no heating, mould grows unchecked on the walls and the only light emanates from an ageing computer on a decrepit, formica-topped kitchen table.
Switching casually between his two favourite websites, TheSpoof.com and another, specialising in kiddie-porn, the 'bandit' (as he likes to be known), alternates between masturbating furiously and scoring 1* to made-up news stories.
This is the sad picture portrayed by renowned psychological profiler, Prof. Charles Chingford OBE.
'The behaviour fits the pattern of the under-under achiever', said Prof. Chingford. 'Under-achieving would be a very definite step up for this particular individual. I would imagine that he is white, early middle-aged and yet has not done a day's work in his life, living entirely on benefits. He is almost certainly single, never having had a long-term girl-friend due to an embarrassing sexual experience early in life.'
'It may be that this individual is illiterate', suggested the Professor. 'It sounds improbable, given that he is scoring written articles, but it would explain why each story is given a 1* rating after only a matter of seconds. He may not be able to read them'.
'The trouble is that he is now addicted', continued the Professor.'He's so sad, bitter and twisted that he can't bear to give an article any more than a 1* rating'.
So, Mr. 1* bandit. Do you need to get out more? Can you actually read this? Will the urge to give 1* again be so great that you cannot resist the temptation or is this the time that you begin to GET A LIFE?
