Isle of Wight Records Mysterious Death of Stranded Colonist; Post Mortem Concludes "Died of Boredom!"

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Tuesday, 3 August 2010


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Recovered Web Cam is Last Known Photo of Shunned Tourist before Tragic Death!

Chamber of Commerce officials on the Isle of Wight are looking into the shocking demise of a Colonist stranded on the island after an Irish Low Budget Flight glided into the local airport when lack of fuel kept the plane from reaching Heathrow.

The deceased, tentatively identified as Heyward "Moose" McLaughlin, late of Moosehead, Me., was on a flight from Newark Airport to London's Heathrow where it was said he was to take part in a satirical writer's conference that had been planned for over a year.

Mr. McLaughlin, said to be an avid outdoorsman able to survive long periods in the woods living off the land, was said to have expired from a combination of "boredom and malnutrition" and was found dead, and with no signs of life,
curled up in a fetal ball next to a dust bin on a remote lane where it appeared his last efforts were an attempt to scrounge for some food.

Locals remembered Mr. McLaughlin as a hopeless bloke who stumbled into the local pub "The Arse & Kettle" and basically made a 'bloody nuisance of himself' according to barkeep Hettie McWahrt.

"He looked right disheveled I'll say," said Hettie, " wing tip shoes untied, wearing madras shorts ,white socks and towing a big bloody suitcase on wheels behind em....I think it was that Tee shirt with that big US flag on it that put the folks off most though, that and the fact he sat at a table expectain' some fool was going to come an wait on em...Foreigners....either learn the bloody customs or stay the fook home I say!"

According to other eye witnesses, even attempts by McLaughlin to engage the locals in conversation by commenting on the weather, a tourist's last resort according to the underlined passages in the guide book found under McLaughlin's body, failed to generate even a lifted eyebrow from the pubbers.

According to a body temperature reading and the degree of decomposition plus the recorded advanced stage of the maggots found near the body, Mr. McLaughlin expired sometime two days ago, or about 7 days after he had been dropped off on the Isle.

Tracing his movements from recovered street cams it has been ascertained that McLaughlin never had human contact with another living soul since his arrival and the lack of social intercourse, plus malnutrition is tentatively blamed for his death.

"I think, besides being hungry and thirsty, he just became bored to death," said constable Percy Mountbatten, in charge of untimely deaths on the Isle.

A Spokesman for the airlines said "Listen, it ain't our the bloody's an open ended ticket and you'll notice there is no destination
printed on the stub...sometimes shit just happens, and if we misjudge the fuel consumption...well there it is, and there you are, wherever the bloody
driver can put the fooking plane thankful you survived...stupid bastards!"

Since no one has come forward to claim the body, and the airline has refused responsibility, patrons of the Arse & Kettle have taken up a collection and the remains will be buried with no ceremony behind the pub next to the bog pit where it said the soil is 'quite soft and easy to dig.'

A collection of the deceased's humorous outdoor life stories found in his suitcase and centered around life in Maine, was added to the magazine rack in the outdoor loo, and is said to be quite popular, a finding confirmed by Sean "Machine Gun" Kelly, who said when he finally emerged from the toilet, "Hey...that bloke really had a way with words...I read his shit from cover to cover....if he had only come up to the bar and waited for a drink like the rest of us, this tragedy never would have happened. Colonists! Go figure!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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