Isle of Wight News - Stoat Population Explodes

Funny story written by victor nicholas

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

image for Isle of Wight News - Stoat Population Explodes
Young Stoat Emerging from its Den

Conservationist Ken Keeley reports that stoat sightings are up overall this year on the island which is positive news for tourists, many who plan their visit specifically to catch sight of the elusive creatures.

Keeley says that this year is the peak of the four year stoat cycle and visitors will not be disappointed "The island is awash with the normally elusive creatures as population densities have sky-rocketed."

One can always have too much of a good thing. Normally confined to the remotest part of the Bows and Arrows Highlands, stoats have been seen frequently across the island from Freshwater in the west to Ryde in the east and their numbers are increasing dramatically day-by-day.

Farmers fields west of Whippinham are reported to be knee-deep in stoats, with the bridge to Wooton Bridge being washed out due to overflowing high stoat levels.

A detour has been put in place to Newport down Bembridge Trail and crews are in place to put the bridge back in place as soon as possible however heavy migrations of stoats from the Highlands are expected to continue unabated throughout the weekend.

Mayor Shovel has called upon David Cameron to declare the island a disaster area until the stoat problem can be alleviated.

Longtime Whippingham resident and historian Marjorie Givens says that according to local legend "Stoats fall from the sky during stormy weather, which makes perfect sense considering the amount of heavy rain that we have had this spring, it is a wonder I was able to get my garden in." Givens recalls that when she was a small girl stoats multiplied so rapidly that they destroyed crops in the fields and times were hard for years thereafter. "We lived on stoat pie for a year."

Keeley says "While there is some truth to the legend that stoats fall from the sky during rain storms most educated residents believe that stoats are carried inland by ocean breezes."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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