Lonson - (Harakiri Mess): A fragile post-Budget mental state and Wednesday's ominous aspects between the Sun and Jupiter - planet of monarchy and immense oil/gas reserves - may see Queen Elizabeth finally consigned to landfill.
Astrologers say an asteroid from the equine humane killer (or free-bullet pistol) constellation Shergar is crossing HM's 12th House of death and damnation shortly before dawn tomorrow.
An emergency medical examination today confirmed the Queen's pacemaker is riddled with ominous deathwatch beetles.
The check-up was ordered after chancellor George Osborne's budget slashed millions off royal benefits scroungers' gravy train rides.
Royal Freak Hospital physician to Her Maj Professor Sir Einstein Flintstone used a bug-gun to blast the infestating critters out of cardiac ducting.
But the arthropods may have spread to critical parts of the brain governing involuntary movements associated with nocturnal self-euthanising remedies.
"We, er, discovered her hemlock stash," Prof Flintstone admitted this afternoon.
"Apparently even BP is calling in its $50 million of IOUs left unpaid since the Diana wedding."
A standard bottle of Parraquat cost around 69p.
