Glorious England, trembled, swayed, buckled, then forced a stiff upper lip after the apocalyptical news that three (3) of the Tower Ravens were absent at morning muster today prompting a call for an emergency Parliamentary Meeting by con-joined heads David Cameron and Nick Clegg.
Rallying the troops in this time of crisis, the Tower of London and the Queen's Palace Fortress a mainstay of the Realm for 900 years which is said to only survive as long as six (6) ravens remain on location, Cameron/Clegg called on Pagan Goddess of the past, Dame Margaret Thatcher to come out of retirement and mix some magic potions, rattle some bones, and get rid of some' damned spots' that have put a blot on the future of the Monarchy.
Raven Master Allister McByrd, head Beefeater, aviary keeper, and in charge of the Raven breeding program at Wakefield Tower, was a pale shadow of himself as he recounted the horror upon finding the birds AWOL at 5 a.m. muster.
"I think it's that Thor....bastard he is! Always taking the piss, mimics everything he hears, and that's not a good thing around here yer know! He's always encouraging the other birds into a bit of mischief, even organizin' a strike for a bit more bloody rabbit, and a bit of rum on Sunday."
Missing along with Thor, is Hugine and Gwyllum. "Soft as a grape that Hugine," said McByrd, " always willin' to foller, never a leader...bird of a different feather that 'un. But that Gwyllum, sly souser him....waits in the back at feeding time when we have lobscouse on Thursdays, then cries
'watch out, here comes the fooking cat' sounding jest like me he does, and hops up and cleans the plates when the other birds jump on the turret walls. A real prick that 'un!"
Just like the Monarchy, the Raven Master keeps 6 ravens plus a spare,
"heir and a spare' I call him", said McByrd...never know when you may have to cull one out, or you lose one!"
Most of the ravens have stuck close to home as one of their wings is clipped at birth, although the infamous "Grog" was last seen in 1981 in front of the 'Rose and Punch Pub' trying to cage a few drinks. He was 21, and said to have had a 'bit of an alcohol problem.'
Only one raven has been relieved from service, and that was "George" in 1986, who refused to talk in complete sentences, ended his diatribes with an adverb, was disrespectful to the Raven Master calling 'em a 'racist Bastard', and in total just making a "fooking pest of himslelf' according to Allister.
George is spending his remaining days in a Scottish petting zoo. "We tolt 'em he was a parrot....har!' said McBryrd with a gleam in his eye.
McBryd thinks the trio will be back soon, "by sun down, I expect...mess is at 6 bells and they never miss a meal...they'll be back, just wanting to hop about a bit....you know how strange some birds can be at times."
Despite Allister's confidence, John Walsh has been called in to do a special on
"Britain's Most Wanted', and even Inspector Morse has been called out of his favourite Cotswold Pub to lend a hand.
Morrison's and Tesco have promised to put pictures of the 3 birds on all their
milk containers and chip packets with a $10,000 reward for the runaways.
Local take aways have been warned not to apprehend the escapees if seen caging a few crumbs, but told to "feed 'em a few chips till we can get 'round" by the Raven Human Rights Recovery Team. (RHRRT)
Since the disappearance, alleged sightings have been called in from around
all of London, and as far away as Manchester and Portsmouth.
One Manchester caller reported 3 big black birds shitting on his roof and threatened to 'knock 'em off wit me sling slot if someone don't come and get the black bastards.!
In Portsmouth, visitors were astounded to see three ravens high in the rigging of the HMS Victory with one calling out to tourists:
"Buggerall Mates! Grog all around, and devil take the hindmost! Avast thar, you with the broken thumb....Bollocks I say...you're not taking us alive!"
