New Tory MP Conor Burns Admits "I Like Seeing Men Play With Balls"

Written by Earl Grey

Friday, 7 May 2010

image for New Tory MP Conor Burns Admits "I Like Seeing Men Play With Balls"
Balls about to be spread out over the table

Conor Burns, the new Conservative MP for Bournemouth West, has admitted that he likes nothing better than to watch men play with their balls. The news is certain to shock people in Bournemouth and Poole.

Burns said "Yes, it's true. I love to see a man bent over the table, his balls spread out. If he can give a good, deep screw from that position I am in ecstasy. I often drive up to Sheffield to watch balls in pockets. No wonder they sometimes need a rest! I've taken up the game myself. I like to keep my cue in good condition and I enjoy having my balls polished."

Burns is a self-confessed Thatcherite and is known to sleep wearing a Maggie Thatcher whig. These latest revelations will not prove popular with more traditional Conservatives, who regard billiards as a depraved activity that should not be encouraged.

Burns was unrepentant. "I am proud to be a snooker man. When I was younger I could not openly indulge in ball bashing. I had play my games in secret. Now I want to be out in the open. There is something beautiful about a man's rack at the start of a game."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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