Gary Glitter named as church election candidate

Written by Mike Roberts

Saturday, 1 May 2010

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"I often saw Mr Gadd giving kittens to the little ones", says archbishop

The Archbishops of Canterbury and York have today 'stunned' journalists by announcing that the Catholic Church is putting forward a candidate of its own for Thursday's General election.

The shock came not from the announcement itself but from who they had chosen as their candidate.

In making the announcement, Dr Rowan Williams said "We believe it is important that people be able to vote for a candidate who truly reflects the values of the Church. The man we have chosen for this important role is our good friend Paul Francis Gadd."

Dr John Sentamu added "If the general election is to be more than a celebrity contest, we must vote with our values. Here is a man who we believe represents those values."

Journalists were astounded by the announcement and asked the Archbishops if they knew exactly WHO Paul Francis Gadd was.

Seeming a little puzzled by the question, and obviously unaware of Mr Gadd's previous infamy, the archbishops hesitated for a few moments before Dr John Sentamu answered.

"I have personally known Mr Gadd for some time. I have seen him 'working the streets' in some of the poorest areas of deprived countries such as Cambodia, Thailand and Vietnam.

His tireless pursuit of 'needy' children is something that I have always admired. Indeed, I have sometimes likened him to that other great champion of the underprivileged, Mother Theresa."

The room fell into an uncomfortable silence as the enormity of what the archbishops were saying sank in.

The quiet was finally broken by a journalist from The Spoof, not normally known for their shyness in coming forward, who shouted "You haven't got a clue, have you? Paul Francis Gadd is Gary Glitter. You know, the paedophile pop star."

The silence broken, the meeting turned to chaos and mayhem as security staff quickly ushered the archbishops towards a rear entrance and chairs went flying as journalists rushed to get their stories filed.

"Wait until the Pope hears about this" said an excited reporter for The Sun as he rushed for the door. "I hope their eminences like Outer Mongolia!"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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