During the recent clash between Muslim fundamentalists, White Supremacists and Unite against Fascism protesters in Bolton last week, boffins at the Ministry of Defence had the chance to try their new Crowd Control Spray.
Based on the so-called 'Cuddle Hormone' oxytocin, the spray engenders a feeling of love, trust and well being towards other people when it hits the nasal ganglia (science speak for the bit in the nose that does the smelling).
As violence escalated police released a cloud of the oxytocin spray over the rival groups of protesters whilst Ministry of Defence scientists watched from the safety of ivory coloured high-rise office blocks around the scene, making notes on clipboards while wearing their trademark thick rimmed glasses and white coats.
The effect was not instantaneous, but ripples of peace and love started breaking out among the clashing ideologies. As nobody had thought to protect the riot police from the gas, they too started to be affected. Twenty minutes after the release of the crowd control drug the fighting had stopped completely, and there were amazing scenes of fundamentalists hugging supremacists, while some of the Unite against Fascism protesters were showing their more feminine side, and the police had laid down their batons and shields to join the love-in. After an hour, the water cannons had to be brought in to separate what was rapidly becoming a Greek orgy.
"It was remarkable," said one scientist. "A definite success. We need to see how long the effect lasts now."
On being asked what had happened, one of the protesters replied: "I love you man!"
