John Doe, 45, is biracial, stands 5 feet, six inches tall, is only slightly obese, uses non-prescription reading glasses, has dishwater-brown hair, light brown eyes, size 8 shoes, studied one-half year of college with a 3.0 grade point average, bathes twice a week, divides his internet time equally between news and porn, and uses cuss words three times a month.
Doe is only one of thousands injured in riots around the world which erupted in the wake of statistical revelations that minorities were consistently 'lower than average'. Those same statistics revealed significant minorities were measurably 'above average', most notably, those with larger shoe sizes. The minority groups clashed in the streets, and whole neighborhoods were set ablaze.
'I thought I was above the fray', says Doe, the world's most average man. 'All these riots are between minorities who are not average. Why would anyone assault me for any reason?'
Jason Mirchley, Doe's assailant, explained the rationale behind the attack.
'John Doe has it all', Mirchley said. 'Don't you see? We all want to be average, and aren't. Being disadvantaged, disenfranchised minorities is not our fault. Let's face it. Doe is the worst kind of snob, with all of his perfect averageness. He deserves more than anyone to be trounced, pummeled, and bludgeoned.'
At his insistence, Doe was taken to the most average local hospital, for average treatment of a quite normal set of injuries.