Brown Recommends New System for Britain

Funny story written by John Cavanagh

Friday, 4 February 2005

LONDON (AP) - Chancellor Gordon Brown has made it plain that he does not see Tony Blair's vision of "unremitting New Labour" as being "right" for a modern Britain.

In a scathing attack on Blair's "tired policies", Brown pointed to the amazing success of China with her concept of "One Country - Two Systems". The Chancellor said: "Last year, China's economy grew by an amazing 9.5 percent." He remarked that this radical new model is clearly the "best option available" for prosperity and justice within a truly progressive Britain. " Remarkably, it's China that's now showing the way. Obviously, she has come a long way since the unfortunate days of Chairman Mao."

The Chancellor also said: "Britons have a moral duty to work towards eliminating global poverty. In order to achieve this goal, we must contribute according to our respective abilities and distribute according to those in the greatest of needs. I have spoken to Chris Martin, of Coldplay, about this idea and he wholeheartedly agrees."

Brown stated: "New Labour is just the Labour party by another name; there's nothing really 'new' about it. In 1997, we used the term 'New Labour' as a marketing tool to help us get elected. It's now 2005 and we no longer any cheap marketing. Today, the British people know who we are, and better still, they trust us. As far as I'm concerned, we're no longer 'New Labour'. We are, as we have always been, the Labour party. We are the only party of, and for, the labour movement."

He pointed out that: "Obviously, we are nothing like Blair's idea of the Labour party - a working class people supposedly in love with an American order of neo-imperialist, transnational capitalism. Let me assure you, Britons do not want to see a Starbucks on every second corner. With the 'Make Blair History' campaign, we are seeing hundreds of grassroots organizations coming together in a serious attempt to change government for the better."

Brown recalled that James Maxton, the last leader of the Independent Labour Party, once said: '"The capacity for anger - anger against a strong cruel system - is a necessary part of the Socialist make-up.' Maxton was right then, but today, I would take a different tack. Let's not get angry - let's get even."

Brown believes that: "China has rejected the worst aspects of her Communist past, and appears to have perfected an appropriate form of socialism - one that permits some free markets in designated areas of human endeavour. We, in Britain, are prepared to allow some areas of human endeavour to take place within designated private sectors. However, in other areas, such as media and communications, a nationalisation of assets must take place. In this regard, I believe it is now safe to say that the ITV experiment has failed."

Brown conceded some ground: "We will permit some ownership of private property, at least in the transitional stages of our development. However, let's not take any further actions by stealth. Let the people know the truth - the Labour party is on the move again."

BBC political correspondent, Nick Assinder, remarked: "To almost everybody in Westminster, Brown's visions for Britain are the truly progressive ones. In contrast, Blair seems to be stuck at some nasty roadblock."

Blair believes that Brown has got a serious case of "sour grapes". "He honestly believes I gave some undertaking that I would hand power over to him. As I've said on a number of occasions, 'you do not do deals over jobs like this - you don't.' That's something I only do in relation to top appointments within the civil service, various diplomatic postings, and a few other areas that I really don't have time to go into now."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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