Britons Extract Windsor Teat

Funny story written by Kevin Scrantz

Sunday, 16 January 2005

image for Britons Extract Windsor Teat
Disgusted Londoners storm Buckingham Palace

LONDON (Rotters) - It was a bloodless affair, as revolutions go. Shortly before dawn a small crowd in London's East End spontaneously began what is being called an historic march toward Buckingham Palace.

Along the way, others paused in their daily scurry to follow, and by noon a docile mob estimated at between 900,000 to a million Londoners thickly packed the area fronting the Windsor digs.

The bold move only came after centuries of dithering, moaning and whining about the drain that is the royals.

It was a sight, palace valet Freddy Scombes says, "that just astounded. I've been in Her Majesty's employ since 1979 BD (Before Diana). I was here when the Prince of Wales married. I was here when he divorced. I was here when the Queen Mum died. And never have I seen so many people at the gates. Miles of faces, most assuredly not smiling."

A portly bus driver only identified as Mr. Pinkus, said to be the pacific mob's spokesman, told palace employees they all wished to see the Queen. When word was sent back by that august lady that she was receiving no callers this day, the crowd gently but firmly knocked the historic gates down as nearby Horse Guards, sipping lattes and smoking cigarettes, looked on unperturbed.

It took less than an hour for the Windsor dynasty to tumble without a gasp, or even a squeak. Pinkus and a local butcher called Fred the Head entered the palace where they discovered the Queen overseeing the weekly Starching of Her Majesty's Knickers ritual.

When the uninvited guests informed the startled monarch that normal Britons were fed up with royals' embarrassing antics and lavish lifestyles and henceforth withdrawing all support - financial and otherwise - she is reported to have nodded and said only, "Quite" in the melodic voice she was once noted for.

The former Queen was the only royal in residence at the time. The Duke of Edinburgh is on holiday attending the Bundles for Bigots charity drive with grandson Prince Harry.

The annual event is hosted by Princess Michael of Kent and a local chapter of the KKK at an undisclosed location on the moors. Neither he nor the young prince -- rumored to be looking into entry level positions at a local McDonald's -- could be reached for comment.

"Lizzie," as one-time subjects now refer to her, was observed leaving Buckingham on foot behind a wagon holding the manky heirloom mattress she was born on, one frail hand clutching a chipped chamber pot that served Queen Victoria in happier times.

Sentimental palace scrub women, greatly moved at the spectacle of their old employer, sang "Bye, Bye Birdie" and fondly tossed old shoes at her retreating form in appreciation for her years of unselfish patronage.

It was unclear where "Lizzie" will reside. She was observed earlier being turned away from a homeless shelter, but is reportedly considering an invitation to spend quality time with South Korean charmer and rap artist Lil' Kim Jong Ill.

The events in London sent shockwaves reverberating throughout the world, with leaders weighing in with their perspectives on the surprising turn of events.

While French president Jack Chirac applauded Britain's belated move, at the same time he sniffed it could not properly be called a revolution.

"We know much more of these delicate matters than our rosebifs neighbors in the French Channel. It cannot be called 'un revolution' without the very ground under one's feet is soaked with the spilling of the blood, yes? Hawn-hawn-hawn!"

American President Bush, told of the occurrence while returning from church, stared at the reporter for several excruciating minutes before responding "Huh?"

Prime Minister Tony Blair, noticeably quiet, announced through Secretary of State Jack Straw that a statement would be released "whenever we get around to it" but, in an unprecedented gesture of global goodwill, revealed the royals' assets were to be divvied up and distributed to former colonies raped and ravaged by the crown since the 18th century.

"This part might have all been avoided if Her Majesty had simply acknowleged the calculated genocide and systemic thievery perpetrated on other peoples by her forebears. But you know how the old bat is," fomer press spokesman Archibald Gleeson was able to say without fear of queenly censure.

"What we were before only permitted to describe as stoic, we can now with true candor call old-fashioned, garden-variety pigheadedness."

Though Freddy Scombes and others of the defunct Windsor staff are today without jobs, he insists he is not worried.

"Oh, no, not at all. Now I can publish that tell-all I've had lurking in me these past years. Her Majesty, her kith and kin, were all thick as two boards when it came to eavesdroppers. Truth is, unless you were one of their own, they never even acknowledged your presence while you were cleaning up their messes... Too bad for them they didn't realize walls do indeed have ears - as do servants," he added with a sly wink.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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