Police Officers responding to frantic emergency calls from concerned neighbours, arrived at the residence of local couple, Martin and Anne Shuttlecock, only to find themselves in the middle of a serious domestic situation.
Martin Shuttlecock was sitting on the couch watching the news on TV with his arms folded and sporting a deep frown.
Further investigations revealed that Anne Shuttlecock was standing by the kitchen sink. Doing the washing up in an extremely aggressive manner. Bashing things about in the kitchen sink without due regard for the safety of others, and slamming items of crockery onto the draining board with unnecessary force.
In court this morning, the reason for the stand-off was finally revealed.
Sandwiches.
Martin Shuttlecock explained to the bench:
"It's infuriating. She puts my sandwiches up every day when I'm at work. When I open my lunchbox it's always the same thing. Or a variation on a theme. Ham, chicken, or cheese. Always on white bread. With either salad, or pickle, or rarely, hot chilli sauce."
In her defence, Anne Shuttlecock said:
"He's so fussy, I can never get it right. It's kind of hard to be imaginative with a sandwich. If I put mayo in it he complains that it's too soggy by the time he eats it. If I don't, he says it's too dry. If I put salad in there, he complains that I've cut the tomato too thick. With pickle, he complains that I buy the cheap stuff. With hot chilli sauce it's either too hot or not hot enough. He's a nightmare."
The police officers testified under oath that it was their belief that the domestic row was sparked by cheese salad sandwiches, which then escalated into the folded arms and frowning/aggressive washing up scenario.
"I don't believe they were in the right sending in attack dogs and an Armed Response Unit," Anne Shuttlecock told the bench. "And I further believe that they were wrong to taser my husband for watching the TV news with aggressively folded arms, and firing warning shots into the ceiling because I was doing the dishes aggressively. It ruined the artex which we've had for twenty years and were considering auctioning on eBay.That was way OTT."
After considering the evidence, the Senior Magistrate ordered that Martin Shuttlecock should serve twenty minutes community service, and put his own fucking sandwiches up in future. Adding:
"I've got fucking tuna-mayonnaise again today. I get tuna-mayonnaise every day. Ever since I told the wife it was really nice. But I don't complain. It's just not the done thing in our house. I bite the bullet. I don't go off sulking with my arms folded watching the news and scowling. We'd all be in the shit if we behaved like that."
More local court reports as we get them.
