Twilight Phenomenon Triggers Vampire War

Funny story written by Cuff

Monday, 12 April 2010


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Oh no not another vampire movie

The recent success of the Twilight series has set the Ivory Towers ablaze with envy and the response has been quick.

Hogwart University in Bristol has declared its intent to return to the glory days of vampirism by creating a doctorate program at the university and reclaim what they believe is a national treasure; fictional monsters.

"England invented vampires. We invented all the hideous creatures with Stroker's Dracula, Shelley's Frankenstein and Darwin's Origin of the species." Professor Harry Potterdam urged.

"There is Mr. Hyde, Jack the Ripper, Dorian Grey not to mention a universe of creatures from the Hobbit. The list goes on and on but the colonies have stolen our thunder with this Twilight crap. Getting kids to read is our domain and we had the ball rolling with kid magicians but dropped it on what should be our greatest achievement. We will put England back on the bloodsucker map. When it comes to vampires in the future I guarantee we will suck!"

To kick off the program the university is staging a Dracula fest at Highgate Cemetery in London hosted by Christopher Lee and will offer scholarships to Goth and Emo advocates throughout the kingdom. The party will serve food out of coffins with blood red punch, rats on a stick and raw goat meat for Latin Chupacabra fans. During the event there will be seminars such as 'the gay undead', 'undead politics', 'undead erectile dysfunction cures' and 'undead cosmetic surgery options'.

Speaking about the gay undead and in response to the challenge the producers of Twilight will counter with what all America loves; drugs, sex and rock n roll. They have announced a new film about the life of teenaged vampires Elton James and Barney Taupin called 'Mad Vampires Across the Water' and starring the inseparable Kristen Stewart and Rob Pattinson.

They will take on the feature roles and show off their lip-sync and player piano skills not to mention hours of mooning, hissing, and general vamp etc which is sure to be a hit.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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