Knot Justice! Venables Tried to Become Boy Scout Leader

Funny story written by Erskin Quint

Monday, 8 March 2010

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Scouts at Wookey Hole Yesterday

Jamie Bulger's killer Jon Venables was banged up again after it was discovered that he had applied to be a Boy Scout Leader, a source close to this newspaper revealed yesterday.

Cops allegedly collared Venables as he left a Boy Scout Troop meeting. Officers quickly discovered Scouting Paraphenalia in the secret hideaway where child-murdering scum Venables was skulking under the latest of his 35998 false identities given him by the pathetic UK injustice system, it is alleged.

Detectives found a woggle and neckerchief under Venables' bed, and a copy of Scouting for Boys by Scouting movement founder Robert Baden-Powell, it is alleged.

Stalwart Sergeant George Dixon, 112, famous star of 60s Cop show Dixon of Dock Green, would have been sickened, if he had still been alive and had been a real person, it was claimed yesterday by Peter Poltroon, an expert in disgusting organisations.

"All these organisations are serious and vile", Peter Poltroon told me, "but Baden-Powell's original Boy Scout movement is by far the most seriously vile".

It is claimed that Venables - joint killer along with cohort Robert Thompson of James Bulger in 1993 - had gone a long way towards becoming a Scout Leader.

"If he really knew the words to 'Ging Gang Goolie' and 'Crest of a Wave', and if he had a stash of Gang Show videos as is alleged, then clearly, in view of the background of this individual, this must be a serious concern to the authorities", agreed Peter Poltroon.

Shadow Home Secretary Tim Whiting said yesterday: "How did this happen? What a golden opportunity to throw more shite at Jack Straw and Gordon Brown! I only wish Venables had applied to be a Catholic Priest - then the shit would really have hit the fan!"

The devastating allegations come amid new revelations that Scouting founder Lord Baden-Powell agreed in 1937 to meet up with Adolf Hitler to discuss closer links to Nazi Boys' Groups and compare leather shorts. This came at a time when MI5 were worried that goose-stepping blond-haired German youths on holiday in Britain might be 'I-Spy Scouts'.

What do you think? Are you sick of the unjust spineless legal system? Do you want even more ludicrous unsubstantiated inflammatory headlines? Vote now.

by Sally Shitstirrer

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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