A rail disaster was averted today after the quick thinking of a passenger with a one-track mind.
Local man, Norbert Nuckles, 51, is obsessed with trains - so obsessed that he sleeps with them. Sexually.
"I enjoy the experience of when they go through tunnels", he said.
Norbert took the 9.15am train from his local village of Cocksend to the neighbouring town of Rectum, North Yorkshire.
Norbert likes to ride the train every day. Sexually.
The train - a nice big green one with steam and a whistle - was driven by Arthur Blurp, 67 - the railway service's only full-time narcoleptic-cum-psychotic driver.
The journey's initial stage proved uneventful until the effects of the train driver's mental affliction kicked in and he began to doze off into slumber land, interspersed with bouts of wild madness, ranting and raving.
Quick-thinking Norbert noticed there was something not quite right. Sexually.
"When I looked out the window I spotted the sea. That was not good because we appeared to be underwater", he said.
Norbert immediately pulled up his underpants and placed all his bits and pieces back inside his y-fronts then rushed to the head of the train.
"The driver was sleepwalking and ranting and raving at the same time. He said that trains are shit - which is clearly untrue. I slapped him about a bit. It felt good. Sexually. I took down my trousers. I slapped him some more. He seemed to like it."
The engine driver awoke and seemed oblivious to the danger he had placed his passengers in.
"I talked to him softly about how nice trains are and how we should not be on the sea bed. He followed my advice and I eventually got him to steer us back onto the tracks", said Norbert.
The train finally entered Rectum at 11.16am - a full 20 minutes early.
The railway company has thanked Norbert for his clear-headedness and given him an unlimited rail pass that entitles him to one free journey at any time of year so long as it coincides with Halley's Comet's orbit.