Local Man Refuses to Smile

Funny story written by LisaPisa

Saturday, 6 February 2010


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Go on, Billy. Give us a smile.

Local man Billy Bogner, 68, has kept a straight face for the majority of his life despite repeated efforts by his wife, mistress, children and local friends to cheer him up.

"Billy can be a grumpy bastard", said one friend yesterday, "he just will not laugh".

Billy's mates - for he is no 'Billy-no-mates' - have tried every possible trick in the book to bring a smile to their sad-faced pal.

Last week they dressed up as Alvin & Chipmunks and sneaked into the shower and tickled him. Not even a hint of a chuckle.

Two years ago, while on a camping holiday on the Yorkshire Moors, they took him to see the movie Airplane - still showing on the Yorkshire Moors after all these years, thankfully - and he sat stony-faced throughout.

His wife has taken to acting like a retard and pulling faces. She serves him his meals through her arse - just for a laugh. No dice.

Nobody has a clue as to his dour manner. He once saw his entire family massacred by an irate London taxi driver, but aside from that point there is fuck all in his history to give rise to his behaviour.

But his loved ones have not yet given up hope. Next week they have planned a trip to the seaside where he will be surrounded with the laughter and joy of merry children.

"I've bought him a bucket and spade and hired a bunch of Frank Spencer impersonators to cheer him up", his wife, Gertrude, said, "that better cheer up the miserable old git"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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