Written by Skoob1999

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

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image for Local Man Finds Antique Artefact. Tells Wife: "I Know What I'm Doing!"
An Antique DVD

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock was delighted to find an antique artefact packed in a cardboard box in the back of a little used cupboard in his house.

Initially, Shuttlecock thought that the box contained Christmas decorations, but as he moved it, the weight suggested otherwise. With curiosity getting the better of him, Shuttlecock opened the box, and much to his surprise discovered that the box contained an old front-loading VHS video cassette recorder.

Hurrying downstairs, Shuttlecock excitedly produced his find for his wife, Anne's delectation.

Anne was amazed, and stated that she could have sworn she'd thrown the old VCR out years ago. The Shuttlecocks couldn't help but wonder if the VCR still worked. So they decided to try it.

After a couple of false starts and a replacement fuse in the plug, the clock popped into life. Martin Shuttlecock then loaded an old tape up which he had retrieved from the garage.

The machine clunked, whirred, squealed a bit and then crackled as it chewed the tape all up to shit. Which prompted Shuttlecock to bring out the screwdrivers.

"Here we go," Anne sighed. "You'll completely bugger it up now."

"I know what I'm doing," Shuttlecock insisted.

Eventually Shuttlecock announced that he was ready to try again. He had five screws, a rubber band, two washers and a funny shaped plastic thingy left over after reassembling the machine.

"What are they?" Anne asked, pointing at the leftover components on the kitchen table.

"Don't worry about that," Shuttlecock reassured her. "They're just...bits...we don't need them. Pass me that Aristocats tape..."

And so attempt number two to reactivate the rejuvenated VCR was made. This time it hissed, whirred, squealed, crunched as it mangled the tape, and burst into flames.

"You know what?" Anne asked her husband, after they'd put the fire out.

"What?" Shuttlecock grunted.

"That's why they invented DVD's. You soft sod."

More as we get it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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