African Child Witches: The Heartrending Scandal

Written by Rula Nation

Thursday, 19 March 2009


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for African Child Witches: The Heartrending Scandal
Pickettywitch - Which one's witch?

Bountifully, Africa has given much to the world of journalism: AIDS, Ebola, drugs, rape, child abuse, famine, blood diamonds, genocide, Apartheid, governmental corruption and now thankfully...WITCHCRAFT

Over the past few years I've heard many the occasional vague rumour of heartrending stories possibly involving children, as young as 2 hrs old being labeled as 'witches', 'wizards' and 'warlocks'.

Therefore, after a whole powder infused evening spent partying with crazy Arab princes and intimidating African businessmen, I found myself in the grip of a raw unadulterated journalistic frenzy of hunger, and therefore drove the twelve miles from my top-spec Marbella holiday villa to Gibraltar, payed my 5 euros to park in Safeway's carpark and intrepidly took the very reliable 20 minute pan-continental Tangier foot ferry to what some crazy moon folk call 'the cradle of mankind'.

Apparently these accusation are often made by their very own parents, babysitters and care givers. During my 2 hr in-depth research trip to The Dark Continent, I was fortunate enough to be able to interview many of these poor unfortunates.

Kunta, a whiny slack bottomed doe eyed 12 yr old boy from Rhodesia told how he, after his drunken father lost his wallet, and his mother broke a nail, was accused of being a witch and was cast out of his home into the bush.

Sade, a sour faced girl with mediocre breasts from way down deep in the middle of the Congo, tearfully recounted the day her new much better looking baby sister was born and was therefore branded a witch and violently chased out of her village.

However for every tale of woe:

Zsar Zsarday Mugabe: a 13 yr old healthy specimen, somewhat maliciously shared a rather contrived and dramatic memory of an incident in which her dedicated mother couldn't afford her annual school fees. Subsequently she was branded a witch and made to walk around her staff's compound wearing a sign around her neck that read : 'No Pay For Staff Again This Year - As a Witch, It's My Fault'.

Children in funny hats say they're not witches

Coming soon - African Child Witches: The Truth

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more