Rabid Bat Found In Surrey

Funny story written by Rebut

Tuesday, 28 September 2004

A Bat found in an alley in Surrey has tested positive for rabies which can effect both humans and animals. I was gobsmacked on account of having seen the mother-in-law 2 days ago. I had no idea she could cover this kind of space in such a short time. Her brooms behind the kitchen door as well.....must be using a spare.

The animal is apparently carrying European Bat Lyssavirus which is closely linked to the Classic Rabies Virus. I hate to be the only dissenting voice but the only thing it's carrying is father-in-law's cheque book and a razor-sharp tongue. Horrible!!

Father-in-law had the skeet club round one evening. As it took off and pointed it's broom south, they fired a barage that would have brought the Hindenburg down. Nothing...right miffed an' all we were I can tell you. Mind you they did total that moggy at the back....but I digress....

Anyhow, apparently a member of the public in Staines found the old bat and it was tested in Weybridge Veterinary Clinic in Surrey. I can just picture those daft vets trying to wrestle with Her Nibs : "Madam pull yourself towards yourself...this won't hurt a bit.....feck it!!! It bit me!!! NOW HEAR THIS!! If you don't keep still we're going to put you down....do you hear me!!!"

In February scientists found that Bats posed only a minor threat of passing rabies onto humans. These scientists will be able to inform them that this old bat passes things far more sinister onto humans like tons and tons of fecking emotional guilt trips the old sow.

I remember one friday refusing to take her cauldron outside. The members of her coven like to pop in for a cook and a chinwag. Spent an entire evening listening to her cast spells on me...old bat can't spell at the best of time.... and what about those warts? Gordon Bennett she looks like the invasion of the body snatchers all on her lonesome...and she picks them...."..more custard dear?"

Mind you these scientists were Scottish...you know the lads who brought you the 10 million squid parliament building with the 600 million squid overrun? And from the geniuses that brought you Holyrood now meet Bats R Us an' safe.

You can picture Hamish McGotitwrongagain lecturing to his colleauges : "Och as ye can see the wee bat rests upon ma finger an' no probleaaaaaaaaarrrggghhhh!!!!!!!" Then the rest of this class of geniuses write to tell the world no rabies were passed. Of course they forget to mention that wee Hamish died and their findings were done at the post mortem.

"Och his liver is fine no infection...bladder seems okay...does anyone know if the bat swallowed his finger or did we lose it on the floor?"

Another bunch of geniuses at DEFRA say we musn't handle a sick or ailing bat but seek their advice. I'll just step lightly over it and head home if that's no trouble.

Then they say anyone bitten or scratched should seek medical attention. Yer!! Like me.....aaaaaaarrrrgh I've been bittennnnnn!!!! These fecking things kill just by the way and no Scot with a doctors coat and sign marked "VET" will tell me otherwise. Go finish your parliament or something!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more