Having swept the country claiming thousands of gullible victims along the way, the gold flu pandemic has now passed. But the people of Britain must now brace themselves and prepare to be rogered senseless by the latest TV advertising campaign that will soon appear on every minor satellite channel.
Those clever people who brought you Sellyourgrannysgoldteeth have moved on and have set up Webuyyourorgans to help unlock the cash in our bodies. Simple really.
Company directors Bill Hare and Will Burke interviewed exclusively by The Spoof summarised their latest venture as follows. "Global organ prices are soaring and demand for transplantable body parts is forecast to quadruple over the next 5 years, but to date supply is confined to donor schemes and low-quality kidneys from India, so there is a huge gap in the market. Recession-hit Britain is a rich source of quality, multicultural organs."
The business model is virtually the same as that for gold, with a few essential modifications. The TV ad and website invite the public to request packaging appropriate for the organs in question. They then follow some simple instructions, enlisting help from others as appropriate. Take a kidney for example, all that is needed is a sedative injection, a scalpel, some antisceptic and a needle and thread. You simply pop the kidney into the package and place in an ice-filled cool box. Our motorcycle courier will collect and take to our medical facility where it will be assessed by our surgeons, who will come up with a value and send you a cheque by return. Should you be a tad peckish after your op, the courier can also drop off a pizza courtesy of our business partner Dominos. If you are unhappy with the amount simply let us know and we will return the organ to you. If you're lucky.
Burke expects the "organ party" to play an even greater part than for gold. These parties allow people to help each other with the trickier aspects of removal, and organisers earn 5% commission which on a good evening can mean a 4-figure sum. "It sounds fun and will make a nice change from staying in comparing the market." said Mandy, a 21 year old colonic irrigator from Romford, who has already signed up as a party host.
So what can you sell? Single kidneys mainly, and bone marrow. If you are prepared to die, or have done so within 2 hours the range of organs increases. So much so that the company is already working on a container in which a complete body can be sent … and they'll pay you for any gold teeth they come across too.