London - (Ass Mess): "So deep and cavernous that Lord Lucan and Shergar both got sucked in, vanishing without a trace," royal biographer Sir Archie Gusset said at a public inquiry into 'The Disappeared' today.
Earlier the panel had heard how an 18th century Scottish piper was sometimes heard playing from inside the fathomless pit of the Queen's pudenda, "only now she's on a colostomy bag it you have to stick your ear up real close to hear it..."
"Other lovers have come - and gone!" Gusset continued amid reports that the Queen has shagged at least 1,000 men according to ancient precepts of knoblesse oblige dating back to the days of Magna Carta.
"What about that Blackfriars Bridge business?" a lone voice in the auditorium called out in a clear reference to 'God's Banker' Roberto Calvi.
"Was it really a saddo auto-asphyxiation game gone tits up?"
At this point the inquiry was adjourned for the day.
Next week's scheduled session will examine evidence about whether Nancy Reagan's own vagina is potentially even more haunted than Old Fatty Ratzinger's.
