Fabio Capello Replaces Gonad Brown as New Labour Leader

Funny story written by Mark Mywords

Friday, 11 September 2009

image for Fabio Capello Replaces Gonad Brown as New Labour Leader
"I always knew that b*****d Mandelson would kick me in the balls."

Never one to miss the opportunity to turn something into a political football, Business Secretary and practising gastropod mollusc Lord Mandelson has today announced that Gordon Brown is to be AXED as leader of the Labour Party, and replaced by 'Il Duce' Fabio Capello.

"Issa like-a diss," said an earnest Lord Of Darkness Mandelson, "Signor Capello issa da man, the toppa-dog, the Parmigiano cheeso. Everythinga ee do issa come uppa smellin' offa da roses. All a we a wanna do, see, issa to a make-a da sure that-a da roses are da red-a ones, see."

The decision to re-locate England soccer manager Capello into Number 10 Downing Street apparently came during a pasta reception for the England players following their qualification for the 2010 World Cup. "The victory-a on a da last-a Wednesday, it wassa boooo-di-fulla," purred Lord Mandelson, who knows a thing or two about football, having once shelled out £1.99 on one for his nephew from a kiosk on the promenade at Margate.

Political analysts are calling the move 'shrewd' as Labour appear to have as much chance of winning the next general election as Crewe Alexandra do of winning the next World Cup.

"Providing the election is held two days before the World Cup kicks off," said political commentator Professor Jim Polltax of the London School of Economics, "I think Mr Capello has every chance of securing a landslide Labour victory. I mean, the signs are all in his favour. By then, the whole country will be awash with misplaced patriotic fervour. You won't be able to hire a hooker without seeing an England flag poking out of her fanny."

"Mr Capello clearly has a good deal of 'nous'. I mean, England manage to beat half a dozen teams that couldn't score a goal in the Wolverhampton and District Sunday Pub League, and suddenly the whole of England believe that a team containing such world class wasters as Matthew Upson, Emile Heskey, and Glenn Johnson are actually going to beat Real Madrid girl's under 13's second team, let alone Spain! It will all, I'm afraid, end in tears, when England lose on penalties to Germany in the quarter finals."

But by then, of course, the whole nation will be 'Walking In A Capello Wonderland', wearing designer clothes from Milan, eating ice cream and singing excerpts from 'La Traviata'. Bellissimo!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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