In scenes not dissimilar to a few years ago, when wicked prostitute choker Steve Wright was loose, the quiet Suffolk Town of Ipswich is under siege again today.
At about 2am on Sunday Morning a fiend of staggering evil struck again.
Exactly 2 weeks ago we reported how a young whore Anna G, was staggering home through the Town's grotty Dock Region when she was viciously assaulted by a top-hat wearing male who entrapped her within the stinking mass of a humungous bum rope.
This time, a filthy slattern of dubious morals and even more dubious hygiene, who as yet can only be identified as Sheila was reeling home through the cobbled back streets behind Ipswich Station, when she was approached from the rear by a well-spoken young man, described as sounding like he had a couple of plums in his mouth.
The young man distracted Sheila just long enough for her to miss a huge steaming pile of excreta hidden in the grimy cobbled shadows. Like a vicious, brown spider's web the vicious turd reeled the screaming harlot into its sweetcorn choked heart.
The hag screamed repeatedly but to no avail, and eventually exhausted and smeared in rancid filth she fell unconscious to the pavement.
She was found by Dave McFelch a young train driver on his way to work, and after several minutes satisfying hismelf that she was still alive, McFelch summoned the finest early shift Beadles of the Ipswich Constabulary. Sheila remains in a coma in Heath Road Hospital today, while the streets of Ipswich are empty except for the disturbing sight of Police Officers in protective gear.
The Station area remains closed, and the Home Office's crack "Bum Log Retrieval Unit" headed by Professor Bernard Smear are still attempting to recover the Dog's Egg for further forensic study.
Ipswich's Chief Constable today pleaded for calm, and warned against local vigilante groups taking the law into their own hands.
"We are aware that our residents are shocked and appalled by this second poo distraction assault, and we can assure you that we are doing everything we can to identify the offender. In the meantime, someone must know who this top hat wearing Victorian-styled gent is, someone lives with him, someone could be his mother, live-in girlfriend, prostitute or escort or even cleaning woman, I would urge you to come forward and tell us of your suspicions." said Chief Small-cox-Von-Mauger today.
In the meantime we understand that Suffolk Police may have called upon the services of the Metropolitan Police's top consulting detective and faecal terrorism expert, Hemlock Moans to assist with this baffling and terrifying crime.
