In the early hours of Sunday Morning (9th August 2009) near Ipswich Railway Station a young woman was attacked by a mysterious stranger.
Local woman Edna Horatio was woken from her alcoholic slumbers by the woman's screams, and immediately dialled 999.
The local Constables of Ipswich were swift to attend, and 3 hours later the rapid response team arrived at Portman Road to be greeted by a horrendous sight. A young woman, reported to be famous locally for picking up men indiscriminately and known only as Anna G was in catatonic shock, her stillettoed right foot buried in what could only be described as an immense "Brown Trout".
The area was cordoned off and the young victim was removed by the local ambulance crew to nearby Heath Road Hospital where we understand she is being treated for severe shock.
The road was cordoned off for hours, whilst Suffolk Constabulary's crime scene team painstakingly recovered the massive pile of ordure. Trent Thrust senior crime scene examiner told the Monthly Cycle " I've been doing this job for 25 years, I've seen a lot of weird shit, but this has to be the strangest thing ever, a six foot long cigar shaped dog's egg topped with a sole piece of sweet corn."
We believe that Ipswich's Top Cop, Ivor Brownsword was swift to suggest the involvement of the Government's new Unexplained Ordure Crime Task Force, and they will be flown in to nearby Bentwaters Airfield later today.
In the meantime Supt Brownsword gave this statement; "In the early hours of Sunday morning a gin-soaked filth monger was senselessly attacked near the Ipswich Docks, the young woman known as Anna G was we believe distracted from behind by a mysterious stranger, as she turned to answer him she stepped into a massive Bum Cigar, after becoming trapped in the titanic log; she was unable to escape and after several hours of screaming and struggling became rigid with shock. The stranger made good his escape towards the centre of Ipswich. I am appealing for calm, Poo related distraction attacks are thankfully rare, but I would urge caution if you, like Anna, enjoy pulling men near Ipswich Station after a filthy night of debauchery and hard liquor, you too could find yourseleves the victim of this perverted Logger."
We understand that Anna is unavailable for comment but the Police have issued this description of the attacker: Male, White, 5'10" with a goatee beard, wearing a top hat and long black cloak, described as speaking with a local accent.
If you have any information on this heinous crime please contact Crime stoppers.