Sir Isaac Newton wrote, "English women cannot estimate size, for shit!" Scientists throughout the British Isles have been stumped by this phenomenon for seven centuries, if not longer. TheSpoof.com's Skoob1999, an "amateur" cultural anthropologist, undertook a two-year-long study of this thoroughly English predicament. What follows are a few of the more shocking examples of this "feminine spatial myopathy," as it has been described:
When shown a normal hen's egg and asked to estimate its length, along its longest axis, 100% of the Oxford, female PhD candidates told interviewers: "It's eight inches long."
Asked to estimate English Oval cigarettes lengths (approximately six cm), former PM Maggie Thatcher said: "No doubt about it, that ciggy's eight inches long!"
Beloved British actress Molly Sugdens, who passed away last month, was tested on her death bed by researchers who showed her a shilling, and asked her how wide it was. "That coin is eight inches wide," she said, "And on that I am unanimous!!"
Even Queen Elizabeth II agreed to be tested by Skoob1999. The Skoobster held up his right hand, made a fist, and proceeded to hold up his thumb and forefinger, which he spread apart (see photograph). "How far apart are my thumb and forefinger, Your Royal Highness," he asked. The distance was one-inch.
The Queen had a Lady-in-Waiting study the hand from several vantage points. The two women discussed the distance for nearly one minute. The Queen nodded to her servant, then looked at Skoob and said:
"We know exactly how far apart your thumb and finger are: eight-inches."
"Are you certain, Madam?"
"Of course I am. That is exactly how long Phillip's penis is," said the Monarch.
"It is clear that the reason British women are such bad judges of distances is because they've been told, for centuries, that this (showing his spread apart digits) is eight-inches," Skoob concluded.