The University of Newcastle upon Tyne released the results of a two-year study of the dangers posed to humans infested by foreign crabs coming ashore in the UK. Undocumented alien sex workers are infecting good, clean British "Johns" who then spread the lice to their wives and girl friends, according to the study just published in the Sunday Times.
"This crab endemic could become an epidemic nearly as bad as the Black Death back in the Middle Ages," said Professor Ron Paul XIII. "You should remember that during the plague it was infected fleas carried by Norway rats that killed nearly half of British, Scottish and Irish people," the scientist told TheSpoof.com's former ace medical reporter, Skoob1999. "This time out it's crab lice. Only God knows what fatal diseases these tiny buggers might be carrying," he concluded.
"What symptoms should we be watching out for," asked Skoob1999.
"Well, unlike the normal, well adjusted, and very polite British pediculosis pubis, foreign crabs are larger, averaging nearly two millimeters across at their widest, and are extremely rude bugs. They are transmitted from person to person by coming in contact with infested pubic hair or clothing," the scientist said.
"Once an infestation of foreign crabs occurs, it is only a matter of time before intense pubic itching and burning begins. Anyone who has had sexual contact with a foreign sex worker, particularly with a French whore, let's just say, is quite likely to die from blood loss. Or even homicide, should a gentleman infect his wife with the lice," said Paul.
Placards appeared on busses throughout London warning citizens to avoid anybody digging and scratching at their crotches. "Anyone who discovers the tell tale bloody spots in their knickers are encouraged to end the infestation by pouring charcoal lighter fluid, kerosene or unleaded gasoline over their pubic hairs and to set fire to their wire. "
"A very close friend or one's spouse should stand by with a hammer with which to bash the little bastards as they flee across your genitalia," the study advised.