Windsore Castle - (Somnambulism Mess): The Queen is sleepwalking her way to auto-erotic asphyxiation disaster according to flunkies charged with straightjacketing her down for the night at Windsor.
A warm, wet, sticky-fingered summer has triggered Old Fatty Mountbatten's pubescent fantasies of nude forays into the Castle's subterranean waterboarding suite.
Anti-terror cops reckon HM's subconsciously checking up on a Fifth Column of Treasury solicitors who she's had strapped down for the duration.
Their bonage could well end with the signing of a magical get-out-of-jail card consenting to thirty million quid in Palace renovations.
But MI5 spooks appear unconcerned.
A Secret Service astrological seer predicted this week that the transit of the Moon's North Node into Capricorn on Sunday will finally see her off.
"The dastardly Mrs Joseph Ratzinger's bound to get her knickers into such a twist she'll end up copy-catting other sex tyrants' disasters," Sgt Ballcock of SO10 said today.
"We reckon she's been perfecting the David Carradine knot variant of the Michael Hutchence Brazilian Strangler".
Gorgon Brown is shitting pricks.