Thank You For The Music: Conductor And Wife In Swiss Clinic Suicide

Funny story written by Earl Grey

Tuesday, 14 July 2009


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Outside The Eichmann Clinic All Was Calm

One of Britain's best loved conductors has taken his life and that of his wife at a Swiss clinic. Dick Phillpot was 83 years old, blind and deaf. He had become increasingly distressed at finding out that he shared a name with a man who had two penises. So, along with his loyal Betty, he headed for the Eichmann Clinic near Zurich, where they both passed peacefully away.

Phillpot was famous for his work with the Milton Keyned Chamber Orchestra and the Stoke Newington Woodwind Ensemble. For many years he lived in Luton, where his children Carractacus and Boudicca remain. Carractacus Phillpot said "My father was a great conductor so it is sad that he will be remembered as having the same name as some bloke with two knobs. I remember my mother saying to him 'I wish you had two knobs dear'".

The Eichmann Clinic is rapidly expanding its business. The numbers of people ending their lives with the Swiss clinic is ever growing. So how do they actually go about it? We spoke to Professor Josef Mengele.

"Ja. Virst ve strap zem into der chair, like zo. Zen ve turn ze gaz on, like zo. Zen ve empty their bank accounts like zo. You zee, it's zo zimple, ja?"

The Milton Keynes Chamber Orchestra placed the following advertisement: Wanted-New Conductor for Chamber Orchestra. Must like roundabouts.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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