Schoolboy Tommy Boggins, 7, ruined an otherwise enjoyable sports day at his local school when he unintentionally shit his pants all over the sports field.
At approximately 1 o'clock, Tommy was competing in the semi-finals of the sack race. Tommy had earlier complained of 'tummy ache' and a 'warm bottom' after a lunch of boiled cabbage and cheese, but bravely carried on. This, after all, would probably have been Tommy's sole chance at every winning anything in his pathetic live seeing as his parents are about to divorce and the mother is an alcoholic and the father has as fondness for walking the dog in the park in a 'Kevin Spacey' way.
As the competitors took their places on the starting line, Tommy suddenly let out a yelp - but it was too late.
He was off and running as the first trails of shit began to flow out from beneath his
Transformers 2 tracksuit bottoms.
By 60 metres he'd lined the course with saucy brown excrement. By the finish line he'd encased most spectators in his man-made pudding slops. Tommy eventually collapsed metres from the finish line. As nobody managed to complete the sprint, the race was declared null and void.
Some children went temporarily blind, while others were treated for shock.
Tommy was given a good scrubbing down and his already pretty bleak future started to become even darker.
The boy has been given a new name and moved to a different school in the locality.
A memorial plaque is being unveiled next week to honour the dreadful occasion and as a warning to future generations of children of the perils of mixing sports, cabbage and cheese.