In a graphic illustration of how quickly a star can be manufactured before being systematically deconstructed by an utterly unscrupulous media, the reputation of Britain's Got Talent star Susan Boyle was left in tatters this morning following a series of damning revelations.
It came to light recently that Boyle is not the singer that people thought she was, she is as dowdy as people thought she was, she won't win the competition and she's been fiddling her expenses.
Simon Cowbell revealed that Boyle had submitted an expenses claim for a 'perch for bats' to be installed in her hairdo, and £1.6 million in sundries. Which related to North Korean nuclear testing, a cause with which Boyle has long been suspected of as having been an active sympathiser.
"Ah dinnae ken whit aw this is aboot," a tearful Hairy Angel told us yesterday from her beachfront mansion at Guantanamo Bay. In Cuba. "Ah feel used."
Cowbell promised further revelations as soon as he had secured serialization rights with a broadsheet newspaper which is not the Daily Telegram.
"That Jamie Pugh," he told us. "You know, the other one who couldn't sing either. He's ploughed millions into offshore wind farms. That's my money and I want it back."
We asked Amanda Holden for a comment, but she declined on the grounds that she was busy applying concealer cream to her boat race to disguise the fact that in real life she's quite a spotty cow.
