In an attempt to cut down on alcohol fuelled violence the government revealed its latest plan to move pubs into police stations so as to cut out the fuss of travelling to make arrests.
Drinkers will be handcuffed upon entry and made to sit in locked cells and there is to be a one drink minimum so as to lessen the chance of accidental intoxication.
As Shaftmybudsbury MP Michael Daffington told this reporter: "Everyone knows that the number one cause of casual violence is alcohol. Our streets are no longer safe to frolic or molest in after night fall. There are drink related beheadings every second and this new plan will eliminate that risk. We have no problem with those who merely wish to have a quiet drink with friends, we only wish that they would not allow the alcohol to make them drunk and go outside where all the well-balanced people are."
There were complaints by some that drinking inside a police station takes away all the pleasure of a decent British boozer but Police Chief Simon Mugger said: "Absolute bloody twaddle. In my opinion there is no finer place to 'ave a bit of a laugh then your local police station. We have Karaoke on Fridays, Fancy dress on Wednesdays and ladies night on Mondays, oh yes. So come on down to the station, get 'andcufed and 'ave the time of your life!"
Just to make sure that the alcohol level in drinkers blood streams is kept decent they will be made to walk a white line to get to the bar and will have to say the alphabet backwards before they order.
There is of course the problem of all the derelict pubs that will be left but entrepreneur Philip GlassO'nuts said he would graciously turn them into casinos and strip clubs.
He told us: "This is one small step for local communities and one giant leap for those in charge."
