London/ Mortuary Times - Reacting to a recent upturn in the forcible removal of livers from unsuspecting UK tourists, PM Gordon Brown was forced to act. The PM had been accused of turning "a blind eye" to the problem, but official complaints from the US Tourist Bureau stating many visitors were forced to return to the Colonies without their liver was intolerable!
The problem has been brought to the fore with increased binge drinking in the 13-21 age group causing premature liver failure in the island's alcohol addicted youth.
Gangs of knife wielding teens have been on a rampage lately harvesting livers from unsuspecting tourist shoppers and site seers putting a damper on travel to the UK from the Colonies.
Apparently, the hordes of EU migrants to the UK have been unaffected by the liver thieves. One leader of a successful liver harvesting gang said they are only interested in the livers of white, anglo saxons to insure purity. "Them other blokes are sure to be invested with worms and other 3rd world parasites...we've already got nuff of them we're treating already!"
The PM's ban on reduced alcohol rates known as "Happy Hours" is already showing results. Mob induced murders and mayhem at regional soccer matches have greatly been reduced, and more fans are showing up at sedate cricket and polo matches.
An unexpected result has been the increase of penis harvesting from unsuspecting visitors from Kenya. Political experts blame it on the recent election of US President Barack Hussein Obama. A spokesman for the PM said "since Obama's election, everyone wants to be a big swinging Dick!" He promised fast action to control the situation and called the thieves "a group of little Pricks!"
