Pop singer and child welfare expert Michael Jackson today said he was going to stand as a candidate in the forthcoming East Cheam by-election, brought on by the resignation of current MP, Sir Henry Porcine-Trofflehurst.
When asked what policies he would be promoting, the singer said: 'Well, obviously my knowledge of children will be my number one priority, and my second one will be the permanent armed security team, that will be needed in London every time I appear in public.'
'Because Londoners adore me, and my track record with helpless little children! So I'll be mobbed by admirers wherever I go.'
Other candidates in the by-election include a convicted fraudster, a rooftop housebreaker, an armed robber, two people wanted for doing a property deal with a man wanted for theft in Australia, and the entire east wing of Wandsworth Prison.
Every one of them standing for the Labour Party. The Sleaze Party candidate, Reginald Vice-Snarflington-Fforbes-d'Moathamptonshire de la Snoutbasquet of that Silkpurse was too busy polishing up his Old Etonian accent up to be available for comment.
David Cameron is ridiculous.