New Labour Cabinet appointed

Funny story written by matwil

Monday, 18 May 2009

image for New Labour Cabinet appointed
The Palace of Blears, just a short Concorde ride from Westminster

Due to the recent MPs' expenses scandal the entire Labour Cabinet was sacked, and here are the new Ministers:

Chancellor of the Exchequer - Ronald Biggs

Home Secretary - Robert Maxwell

Foreign Secretary - Thomson Tours

Minister for Legalised Theft - Hazel Blears

Minister Without Portfolio But Still With Two Free Homes And Two Daimlers - John Prescott

Minister For Ham Acting And Fraudulent Property Deals (And Crocodile Tears) - Tony Blair

Minister For Imaginary Weapon Searches - Tony Blair

Minister For Filling In Fraudulent Expenses Forms - Shahed Malik

Minister For Pulling Grotesque Faces And Talking Like A Gayboy - Gordon Brown

Minister For Turning On The Ignition Of The Gravy Train - Neil Kinnochio

Minister For Swimming In A EU Wine Lake - Neil Kinnochio

Minister For Having Your Cake, Eating It, Claiming Double For It, Making Up Tales Of Bulimia About It, Then Punching Hecklers Who Mention It - John 'Five Bellies' Prescott

Minister For Ministers - Gordon Brown

Minister For Personally Testing Claridge's Dinners At Taxpayers' Expense - John Prescott

Minister Of Holidays In The Sun That We Pay For - Thomson Tours

Minister Of Talking In An Annoying Manner And Continually Getting Caught Stealing, Resigning, Then Being Reappointed - Peter Mandelsson

Minister For Never Saying Anything About Anything In A Posh Voice - David Cameron

Honorary Foreign Minister For Never Saying Anything About Anything In A Ridiculous, Long-Winded, Self-Dramatic Voice - Barack Obama

Minister For Making Lots Of Free Tea - Harriet 'Del Boy' Harman

Minister For Daydreaming About Being Mr. Raffles - Alastair Darling

Minister For Drinking Lots Of Free Scotch Tea - Charles Kennedy

Minister For Being An Annoying Fat Git With A Loud Voice - Ian Paisley

Minister For Being An Annoying Beardy Liar With A Loud Voice - Gerry Adams

Minister For Increasing Income Tax To Pay For All The Ministers' Fun And Games - Harriet 'Del Boy' Harman

Minister For The Art Of Dipping Into The Till When You Think Nobody's Looking - Oliver Fagin.

Salaries will be decided by the Ministers themselves, bonuses will include gold bars, free houses, free cars, unlimited expenses, holidays in the Bahamas, and only visiting Parliament once a year to vote claiming back travelling expenses for the visit, as using Concorde is quite expensive for the essential trip from Peckham, and it had to be diverted to Tahiti due to a bit of fog around Northampton, and then was grounded there for four weeks due to a tragic overfilling of the plane with duty free bottles.

The position of Prime Minister will not be taken, as nowadays it's about as an important job as carefully checking MPs' expenses forms every week, i.e. a non-existent one.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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