David Cameron today launched an extraordinary broadside against primates. Speaking at the Harlow Young Conservatives Group Annual Conference he deviated from his script to answer a question from Quentin Thornberry, aged 15.
Master Thornberry said to Cameron: "Sir, given the proletariat's current whimsy towards animal rights, coupled with our need to winneth the vote of this quizzical group, so full of preponderance's as they are, a distraction, no doubt from the very banality of such a vacuous existence… will you be as vehement as the most ardent man in caring for our winged, webbed and furry ami?
While beside him the 34 and a half minute long question and forced George Osborne to nod off, Cameron showed his leadership skills by immediately springing up to the podium, a veritable ream of notes clutched in his firm grasp, proving his capability to answer long questions. After a brief foray into how 'good' he believes dogs are Cameron touched on his well-documented fear of cats (believed to stem from a childhood mugging).
Next, and to the surprise of all gathered in Harlow, Cameron went on to lambaste primates, reserving special scorn for monkeys.
"While some animals deserve our help, others do not, I am afraid. As PM you do, occasionally, have to stick to your principles, and here is one principle in which I believe most strongly.
"Primates have, I believe, conned you all. We protect them, and what do they do? Nothing is what. Orangutans are better than most, though still rude and cretinous at times - it's monkeys that really get me. They are lazy and stupid animals. Every day you hear someone talk about them, ooh monkeys can count to five. Wow, I can count to five, and no one ever mentions that. And they eat bananas all the time. They swing about the jungle, eating bananas. What's the point? If I did that people would call me crazy, and yet they're supposedly intelligent. I say, if they think they're so fucking great, let them fight it out in the real world. But they couldn't handle that could they, no chance. Then you'd have the animal rights lobby on your back saying, oh no all these unemployed monkeys can't get work and I'd say, yeah that's right they can't, bit harder in the real world isn't? You can't swing about all picking fleas of each other in Britain, mate. You think a monkey could hold done a job in B&Q, no it couldn't."
At this point Cameron was orating loud enough to wake sleeping George who tried to pull him from the stage. Cameron batted him away and seemed to gather new energy from the clobbering blow. George dragged himself from the stage, tears glistening on his face like diamonds.
"And another thing, why do monkeys always have that arrogant expression? I know why, 'cos they know we're saps for the hairy little buggers. They know that no matter much how excrement they throw at us, and as you know if you throw enough some will stick, we keep coming back. We say aah little monkey, throwing excrement, how cute. Then two minutes later he'll fucking point at a tree and I'm meant to be all like oh now he's so clever? Chuffing Norah this world has flipped.
Cameron stopped at this point, looking slightly shaken, as the 34 bright-eyed youngsters watched with a look of shock, fear, and even a little lust. He slowly sat down and one brave soul led a round of empathetic applause.
Monkey spokesman for AnimalWatch, Sammy Trifle, said: "Well he has point."