MP's Expenses 'a work of fiction'

Funny story written by Roy Turse

Monday, 16 February 2009

image for MP's Expenses 'a work of fiction'
expenses nightmare

The Right Honourable Monty Bedwetter, Conservative MP for North Suffolk & Central Ipswich admitted this afternoon that in spite of owning a mansion in King's Lynne, he lives in a H0use of Leaves owned by his friend Mark Z. Danielewski, and that in keeping with government guidelines, he claims expenses based on the estimated floor area of the property. The actual size of the H0use ranges from 1200 square foot to infinity (#17), but has been accepted by the Parliamentary Expenses Committee as being 2 billion square feet.

Due to the fact that the MP only rents certain rooms, including the Kitchen, the Five And A Half Minute Hallway and the Never-Ending Spiral Staircase, but not the Great Hall or the upstairs Occasional Closet, his expenses are reduced to £450 million per annum.

Although there have been several questions raised about the issue, the Expenses Committee have never been able to refute the minister's claims. Bedwetter's expenses form, for instance, starts out normally, but very soon breaks down into an almost incomprehensible jumble of words going in all directions. Ministers have never been entirely sure which order to read the entries in, or how to interpret the elaborate footnotes, and many have given up before they reached the end.

Monty Bedwetter has always said that a H0use of these dimensions was obviously going to be expensive, although he claimed he did not heat or light some sections. The MP is also thought to be claiming expenses to keep his mother in a mental hospital.

#17 These figures relate to the internal dimensions only, the external dimensi o n s
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The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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