Clarence House - (ReUterus & Sordid Ass Mess): The Heritage Lottery Fund has given £487,500 towards the £725,000 transformation of the Duchess of Cornwall's vagina after her disastrous 2007 hysterectomy operation.
A Clarence House spokesman said today the money was sorely needed to restore the gnarly Hellfire Club faghag to her former functioning self.
"Camilla once attracted millions of visitors from around the world," Prince Charles' private secretary commented.
"Unfortunately since the op two years ago a whopping great big...er... vacuum (flask? quite possibly!) has appeared in what used to be the Duchess's best feature.
"We'd like to fill that up with botox and a vaginal remould implant, but these things cost a lot of money."
Heritage Lottery Fund chairman Wesley Kerr said today his Queen's Birthday Honours hereditary peerage "had fuck all to do with this patriotic, humanitarian gesture".