Cameron's wife 'More Toff than Goff' claims friend

Funny story written by Kent Pete

Wednesday, 31 December 2008


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image for Cameron's wife 'More Toff than Goff' claims friend
Mild or Wild...You decide.

Shaggable yes, but imagine spending the rest of your life with her. This is the wife David Cameron claims was a "Wild Child" in her youth as he tries to pep up his image.

But, as our exclusive picture of a young Samantha shows, "Mild Child" might be a more accurate description.

Wearing a patterned cardigan, with big earrings and soft shaggy hair, the baronet's daughter looks a far cry from the "unconventional Goth" the Tory leader describes in his new book.

Mad as a bag of cats

In Cameron On Cameron he says: "She had a wild childhood and is challenging. Her parents would argue and Samantha heard them using potty language on more than one occasion. Fortunately the marriage survived long enough for my father in law Sir Reginald Adrian Berkeley Sheffield, 8th Clarinet to carry on doing what he does best…… landowning. However I believe this had a lasting effect on my wife. That's very good for me as it stops me being too straight down the line".

Off my tits when I met her

Cameron added: "I will never forget the night I met her outside The Bullingdon Club in Oxford. I would like it to be put on record that I 'definately inhaled some cannabis' and was 'a bit out of it', but Samantha was just crazy. She had obviously had too much to drink and kept giggling, referring to me as a 'Thrush'.[*]. To this day she has not told me what she meant".

Posh mates

But a pal who boarded with the then Samantha Sheffield at posh £45,000-a-year Marlborough College, Wiltshire, remembers a very different sixth former who was rather more golly than Goth.

Talking to our reporter Sarah Timothy Rampton Fortescue-Smythe said: "I remember her as quiet. I don't have any recollection of her wearing thick make-up and black clothes. She did once comment on a time when her parents had a heated argument about Ian Smith and the future of Rhodesia and her mother ended up with a black eye but doesn't everyone experience that kind of thing in childhood ?"

Barbeque the lot of them

Today the perfectly groomed Samantha looks even less likely to have albums by the likes of The Cure and Siouxsie and the Banshees in her record collection.

The beauty who grew up on the sprawling 300-acre estate of Normanby Hall, near Scunthorpe, Lincs, co-owns the designer shop Oka and is creative designer at Smythson on trendy Bond Street in London's Mayfair.

And their fucking foxhound's

The Tory leader is insistent that his wife's past helps him to understand the teenagers of today.

"It has been said that because I went to Eton I couldn't possibly have any understanding of real people's issues. Well whilst most students in my day were happily dancing around to Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' I had to watch my future wife battle her demons listening to The Smiths and Joy Division. There were honestly moments that I worried our relationship would not survive. Panic on the streets of Carlisle, Dublin, Dundee, Humberside …..Well you can add Chipping Norton to that list Mr Morrissey".

And the world would be a safer place

Samantha was unavailable for comment. Rumours that she is undergoing Post Traumatic Stress Counselling after discovering that her nanny attended state school are, as yet unconfirmed.

[*] Thrush…….An irritating c*nt.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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