David Cameron yesterday announced that a Tory Government would encourage Britain's police to stray to the fun side of the law by committing crimes under their own initiative before our current criminal element has the chance.
Unveiling the new policy, Mr. Cameron argued that "greater awareness of the criminal mind would lead to fewer convictions and would dramatically reduce the amount of police willing to do traffic duty - in fear that they may be missing out on some real action."
The Conservative 'leader', 12, continued: "Think about it, you daft morons,we are constantly complaining that we are over-run with feral yobs and that our police spend too much time hounding the British motorist. What better way can we counter this than to get the filth on the streets, without their cool speed guns, and start taking the real criminals on at their own game?"
"If PC Joe Bloggs goes out tonight to his nearest housing estate, pounds on a dribbling pensioner and sells an ounce of rocky to a dim-witted thirteen year old, then he has immediately, and single handedly, snuffed out two potential criminal acts that may have fallen to the hoodie generation. The best bit about this, of course, is that PC Bloggs could then fill out his own charge sheet and we will save valuable man hours as there would be no need for laboured investigation. Case closed, thank you please, where's my pipe?"
Last night, a serving Hampshire policeman, PC Tony Gulliball, who preferred not to be named, moaned that he was "pretty fed up that Cameron had stolen his union's idea," but was "glad that somebody - even if it is that retard Cameron, was finally taking the initiative."
Rhent Buoy, MP for Dumpty and Poe, said at the after speech orgy: "This idea is just genius, guy. I have spoken to numerous pigs tonight and whether black, white or Welsh, they all agree that this policy is the only way to rid our streets of the criminal element. A couple of them have even stated that they are already in practise. Take that Scotch chap in the skirt, he spent last night smashed out of his skull on crystal meth while soddomising a dyslexic badger. I heard another bobby bragging that he was well on his way to becoming the Met's greatest ever serial killer, thiry-two scabby hookers and counting, apparently. I'm sure you'll agree that's mightily impressive."
Master Cameron's only worry on this one is that he may have shown his hand too early. It is rumoured that, following a late night phone call from PM Gordon Brown, Richard Brunstrom (Chief C****stable of North Wales police) immediately raced to Bala nursing home where he stabbed his three hundred year old granny in the eye with a semi-blunt chopstick.
The only certainty we have on this one is that it is not going away any time soon.
Goodnight, don't have nightmares.
