Ramsbottom, Lancashire - Local farmer Cosmo Clitterthwaite today claimed to have unearthed another five commandments, in addition to the ten already given to Moses on tablets of stone, during routine digging in a field.
Our reporting team was unanimously skeptical as we hot-footed it to investigate. We think with good reason.
We were greeted by a ruddy faced farmer who handed us the additional five commandments, written in biro on a Tesco A4 ruled notepad, packaged in an ASDA carrier bag.
Commandments 11 through 15 read as follows:
11 - Thou Shalt Not Support Manchester United
12 - Thou Shalt Not Ever, Ever, Change Lanes Without Indicating.
13 - Thou Shalt Not Conduct Mobile Phone Conversations In Public Places In An Inappropriately Loud Voice
14 - Thou Shalt Not Abuse The IT Facilities In The Workplace
15 - Thou Shalt Not Buy A Season Ticket With A Credit Card At The Train Station During Rush Hour, As It Upsets Other Commuters. Having To Wait Ages And That.
At this point it became patently obvious to the team that Cosmo Clitterthwaite was a fraud, so we called the police.
Farmer Clitterthwaite protested his innocence by claiming that Moses had dumped the other five commandments because he couldn't at that time see any sense in what they were instructing the people to do.
He also asked us for two thousand pounds.
Shortly thereafter the police arrived and promptly arrested him.
He is expected to be charged within the hour.
More as we get it.
