God has finally admitted that the rumors surrounding his impending retirement are true. At the end of this year he will hang up his cloud for the final time.
"I'm too old for this shit", he grumbled in a downtown strip club.
Considered by some to be the quintessential God, John Brown was born around about BC 4000 into a wealthy, land-owning family. Orphaned at an early age, the young John spent his childhood carving wise sayings into stone tablets - at the time they were just viewed as incredibly shit sayings but later became the foundation of a whole new belief system that would overtake the world.
Later he married Edna Jenkins and on their honeymoon in Egypt, John had a spiritual awakening. This basically involved taking lots of drugs and looking at funny-shaped clouds.
The friends he made in Egypt liked John so much that they decided to honor him by proclaiming him a God and what followed was the birth of modern religion.
Speculation now mounts as to who will take over the sacred position. God has no doubts who he'd like to see take his place:
"Santy Claus is the man for the job. He's got the beard, the attitude and he'll add a warmer, lighter feel to the whole 'Creator' idea", grinned God as he slipped another 10 bucks between a strippers cleavage.
