Windsor - (Spooky Mess): Halloween poltergeist activity in Windsor Castle has been blamed for bizarre electronic force fields that are interfering with the Queen's cardiac pacemaker.
Royal flunkeys found a vibrator under the matress of a four poster bed in the castle's Heirich Himmler Suite that had somehow switched itself on despite having no batteries or direct electric connection.
"At first we though it must be Phil the Greek's fabled remote controlled oriental dildo," a spokesman for Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce-Cannon said today, "the one he gave HM for their golden anniversary last year.
"And then suddenly a thermo-nuclear egg-cosy from the Castle's Chernobyl collection went utterly beserk, flying around the royal breakfast room like a bat out of hell!
"Creepy! But not totally unprecedented."